Doctor update

8:00am. I'm up. Nervous. Ready to go. Drop George off at the grandparents and we are on our way. Takes awhile to park but finally 12mins late we arrive to the office. They call me back and my dr tells me the news. My MRI looks great. Minus the tumor. He said its small and not causing the symptoms. So I don't have a diagnosis. He said he thinks my last MRI reading was wrong and doesn't agree with their findings so it's more waiting. He said he doesn't wanna diagnosis me with something I don't have and he's not convinced so it's more waiting. He said I'll prolly never be normal and I should just accept that and get used to it. That part kinda pissed me off. Who wants to accept that their not normal. Not me! I'm only 23 years old. I asked if my vision will ever get back to normal. He said well it has been a year so we are gonna set you back up with a neuropthamologiat but it's been a year already with no improvements. So looks like I mind as well accept that this is me. I go for another MRI and back in October to see if theirs any change. He said when it hits (symptom wise) I will know and to call of anything new shows up So more waiting I guess. Maybe before I turn 50 I'll know what's causing me to be sick. Do you have any clue how annoying it is to have no diagnosis and just be sick. To be told to get used to it? Well if it's not ms and its something else then should I just get used to it. What If it could all be fixed with medicine. Whatever. I'm beyond mad and frustrated. On the upside in 5 weeks I have lost 17.6 pounds and feel amazing! So that's an update for now

Tumor?!?

Well Robert brought home my MRI disk and the paper with the radiologists diagnosis. "findings: note is made of a lesion which follows fat signal intensity within the left aspect of the quadrigeminal plate cistern. This most likely represents a lipoma." looks like I have a brain tumor. This arises a lot of questions for me. My MRI in June clearly showed a lesion where did it go? Was this tumor their then? Why am I having the dizzy spells, fatigue, vision problems and feet issues then? Everything I've read has said this lipoma would most likely not cause any symptoms. So where are my symptoms coming from? Could it actually just be a lesion from ms or do I not have ms and rather have a brain tumor and then still no reason as to why I have the symptoms I have. I'm so frustrated right now and why has my dr not called me?!? I called this morning and left a message for him. Hoping he calls back and can shed some light on the issue. Since I have the tumor I doubt that I have ms let alone ms and a tumor but why my symptoms and what's causing all this. If they say it could be caused by the tumor then it'll prolly need to be surgically removed because let me say I can't keep living like this. So brain surgery on my brain! They'd have to shave part of my head! My beautiful hair! I know I should just pray it can be fixed and cut out but I'm so confused. You know when you cry for so long and so hard that headache you get. Well ya I got that headache and I didnt even cry! I hardly slept last night. All I can think about is this piece of paper that is changing my life! Is it so hard to want to be normal. I'll even settle for anything that has a diagnosis in the end with some sort of treatment to help my symptoms. I can't keep going on like this. I just cant! I'm so sick of being dizzy and sick of feeling like I'm wearing socks to small. Maybe I'm losing my mind. Maybe all my symptoms are in my head! I am just so beyond confused and alone. I just want it all to be over ya know. Well that's my update. Hoping my dr calls me back and then I'll prolly post something again. Hopefully I'll have more answers.

Nervous!

So after weeks of waiting I finally decided I don't wanna wait till mid February for my results. I called the place I had my MRI and they have everything ready for me to pick up. Robert can even pick them up tomorrow with a note from me and my drivers license! I'm incredibly nervous. I'll have a disk of my MRI and the techs notes which will say if theirs any "demylation" which is basically a lesion. I figure if I at least know what the results are I will be better prepares for questions with my neurologist. If the MRI shows nothing well then who knows what then. I'm scared. I'm prepared (I think) for the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. I fit a lot of the symptoms. I have no clue what to do if they say it's not ms then what? What's wrong with me! I'm sure the next 24 hours I will be on edge and nervous as heck. These results can change my life! Wow! Just wish I had brought up the courage to get the results myself weeks ago! I guess I needed time. Time to be ready to face whatever it is I have to face. On another note I've been really working at loosing weight and exercising and I'm proud to say in 2 weeks I've lost 8.8lbs. Def not an easy task but it needs to be done. Thats my update for now. I will prolly be posting again tomorrow after I have had a chance to read my reports. Wish me luck (for any kind of answers).

Just having a day

I go back to my nuerologist next month and honestly wish it where so much sooner. The meds I'm on help a little with the pain in my feet and the feeling but doesn't touch anything on the fact that I feel like I'm wearing socks 10 times to tight! I'm so over it that I've begged Robert to cut them off. It has to hurt less than it does now. I hate it. I'm so over it too. People say then call your doctor and see if he can see you sooner and maybe get the results sooner. But it feels off to me. He told me when to come back so that's what I should do right. If he wanted to see me sooner he would have called and told me so. What good is me telling him the same thing he already knows? I'm trying to loose weight and I do good for all of a week then I flake on the idea and most of that is because I see the treadmill and all I think is pain! It hurts so much all I can do is walk and sure walking is better than nothing but even walking hurts and honestly I'd rather sit here and not be in pain than trying to lose some weight. Call me weird but have you ever wore pants that where way to small and it hurt well that's how my feet feel all the time! Walking down stairs in the morning is the worst! Every step hurts and all I wanna do is cry! I'm so beyond frustrated right now. It's been 11mths since I started trying to find out what's wrong with me and I just wanna quit. I just want it to be gone! What if I go back next month and he says your MRI looks clean, we dont know what's wrong then what?!? Then I am in pain still with no diagnosis. No idea what's going on with me. And that scares me. I think that's why I haven't called and seen about moving my apt up. I don't wanna hear what they say. Right now I feel like an alcoholic who hasn't started getting sober, they no somethings wrong but aren't doing anything to fix it. I know somethings wrong but have yet to start things to fix the problem. Part of that's because I don't even really know the cause. I just know they have said 90% chance it's ms. Iono. I guess I'm having a pitty party for myself today but I just wanna give up. I'm getting to that point where I don't care what's wrong with me. It is what it is. Well I feel better after a good vent so I'm gonna go fix lunch and then watch tv with George some more, just not feeling up to doing anything today.

The day after......

It's the day after Christmas. Yesterday we woke up early opened all the gifts got dressed and where out the door on the way to my sister in laws house. We did brunch their and more gifts then onto my father in laws house for yet again more gifts and dinner the. Relaxed and home. It was a very long day. I even got a nap in but that doesn't seem to have helped much. I was on Dramamine all day yesterday and I'm still needin it today. Oh how I'm tired of taking pills. My Christmas gift of a diagnosis did not come through. :(. I really really just wanna feel better. Three days ago my sister told me to just get over my health problems. How do I do that? How do I get over these neurological problems. Easy right. Lol. Ya right. I will never be the same. And she thinks it's easy to do. I try my hardest and do a great job at not letting MS run my life but something's just can't happen anymore. Oh well I guess. My Christmas was great. I got the open heart necklace i had been wanting. I also got some books and a nice comfy blanket. We got a pizza stone, picture frame, cash and a new clock. Not to bad. We had a blast. George got spoiled but what's new their. Im honestly just happy it's over. It was a lot on me and I just need some rest. I have barely moved from the couch and as I type I'm getting ready to take some more pills. Hope everyone else had a great Christmas! Now to rest and do it all next year!

Insomnia how I hate you!

So it's 2am and what am I doing. Watching another movie alone. I watched soul surfer and now I'm onto change it up! I've wrapped Christmas presents and am now thinking of cleaning the house. Obviously this is odd behavior for someone at 2 am. Two weeks ago I couldn't get enough sleep and now I can't fall asleep at all! Ive been going to bed at around 4 am and back up at 8am. Theirs nothing todo at this odd hour and I miss sleeping with my husband! I'm so sick of this. I can't take sleep aids as I become addicted to them and I could try melatonin but in the past it hasn't helped. I'm hoping this insomnia passes soon because I really miss sleep. Christmas is coming and all I can say is Santa all I want is a diagnosis. I've yet to hear the results of my MRI which worries me. It's gonna be one of two things. 90% chance of MS and that little 10% chance that it's not worries me. I mean that means more tests and who knows what's wrong. Well that's my rant. I'm gonna watch my movie. Sleep good everyone. Wish I could join you!

Dizzyness

Here it is almost 1130pm. I've had a long day. Got a lot of house worn done and worked some more on Christmas lights outside and laundry. Roberts been at his dads hunting so it's been me and George all day. It's been a good day just long. So here I am thinking about going to bed and long behold it hits me. Sudden dizziness. The best way to describe it is the tipsy feeling when you've had a lil to much to drink but your not drunk. Everytime I close my eyes I wanna vomit. And so ya sleep is a long ways off. I was hoping it would pass quickly but it's gettig worse. So I sucked it up and toon Dramamine. It usually helps quickly but makes me feel very anti social which I hate. The lovely ups and downs I go through. I can focus on things close up and not be to bad. Def still dizzy bit anything more than a foot or two away ya it rocks bad and makes me sick. I've went almost a week this time between bad episodes like this. I'm just happy it hit after George went to bed. Nothing sucks more than having to keep up with a 4 yr old when your this dizzy. My neuro has upped my meds for my nerves in my feet from 100mg 3 times a day to 300mg 3 times a day. So tripled. But it's helping. Most times I still can't feel cold on the bottom of my feet but I can feel pressure better which is making walking much easier. Well now that I've vented about this god for saken dizziness I'm gonna lay down (eyes opennof corse) and pray the meds kick in fast!